By Scott Roeben, on February 28 2024

Themed suites abound at Las Vegas hotels.

At Palms, guests can stay in a Kingpin Suite, complete with bowling lanes, or Hardwood Suite, featuring a basketball court. Westgate offers year-round Christmas and Halloween-themed suites, and recently unveiled a Plaid Suite.

Surprising no one, we have some ideas for themed suites we’d like to see in Las Vegas hotels. Gird your loins.

1. The COVID Suite

We told you to gird, you don’t listen. Look, Las Vegas has something for everyone, including people who have a dark sense of humor. Beyond the troublesome pandemic thing, these coronavirus-inspired fuzzballs are actually sort of adorable and would make for a colorful, “Grammable” decor that could help guests learn more about the fascinating world of medical science. Let’s play doctor!

2. The Bubble Wrap Suite

Nothing says fun like bubble wrap! How about a suite with bubble-wrapped everything? You sit down, pop. Push a button on the TV remote, pop. You make sweet love on the furniture, pop. Reach into the fridge, soda. Big thanks to the Midwesterners who got that joke.

3. The Narcissist Suite

How is this not already a thing? It’s all mirrors, floor to ceiling, and The Narcissist Suite is perfect for the self-absorbed and vain. So, basically, all the youths. All due respect. Fun fact: “Katoptronophilia” is being aroused by having sex in front of the mirrors.

4. The Dolphin Suite

Nobody doesn’t love dolphins, so a dolphin-themed suite would be a goldmine. The room service menu would, of course, have a big red “X” through anything containing tuna. Ban gillnets!

5. The Bedbug Suite

Bedbugs aren’t as popular as dolphins, but they also aren’t as bad as people think. Bedbugs often get blamed for what carpet beetles and booklice do. Bedbugs are actually incredible creatures, able to live 2-3 months without food. Reports of bedbugs in Las Vegas hotels are vastly overblown, and this suite is a reminder bedbugs aren’t the enemy. People who bring them here in their luggage are the enemy.

6. The Titanic Suite

The history. The romance. The adventure. The bone-chilling water slowly rising in your room, creating a truly immersive experience in Las Vegas! Good luck, housekeepers, you’ll figure it out.

7. The Twizzler Suite

It’s a fancy Las Vegas room, but with a twist! Technically, most flavors of Twizzlers (like strawberry and cherry) aren’t licorice, because they don’t use licorice extract. Those are considered “licorice-type candy.” Who cares? We want an edible hotel suite, toot sweet. Fun fact for our fellow youths, “toot sweet” comes from a French phrase, “tout de suite,” which means immediately.

8. The Pizza-Pie Room

We dream about pizza, so it’s not surprising we’d wish for a pizza-themed hotel suite. It’s worth noting we should receive some sort of commendation for all the pizza puns we are not writing at this very moment.

9. The Evil Clown Suite

Gone are the days of Ronald and Bozo and Krusty, where clowns brought joy to the masses. Now, it’s all about Pennywise and John Wayne Gacy and the U.S. Congress. Creepy clowns are here to stay, so they deserve their own themed suite.

10. The Foot Fetish Suite

A.I. is still in its infancy, so it’s not great at depicting feet, but the four-toed twin beds were just too good to leave off our list. There’s a much bigger demand for feet than you’d suspect as many young women clearing $450,000 a year can attest. Related: We’re all doomed. See? Still not judging!

11. The Slammer Suite

Enjoy role-playing? Spend a night as your favorite politician or professional athlete in The Slammer Suite. The in-room dining is terrible and it’s lights out 10:00 p.m., but the good news is you’re assigned a “cell mate” upon check-in to show you the ropes and to keep you warm. Body cavity searches are included with your resort fee.

12. The Bounce House Suite

If you try to pretend you wouldn’t want to stay in The Bounce House Suite, we can’t be friends. Leave the kids at home, this bouncy goodness is for adults only! Las Vegas has an active swingers scene, we’re told, so this suite would pretty much be booked years in advance. You’re welcome, themed suite designers!

This is the part where we rhetorically ask, “What themed suites you’d like to see offered by a Las Vegas hotel?”